| Current mood: |  discontent |
| Current music: | Mother India, by Caedmon's Call |
There were good times and bad, fun times and boring... the usual. And yet, here I am, thinking more about the future than I have in a long time - and that's saying something! I'm surrounded - nay, haunted - by death, both physical and spiritual everywhere I turn, grateful for the happiness that God has brought me but despairing at the troubles that the world has brought to those I love most and, consequentially, myself. As it has been for several days now, I cannot close my eyes without seeing their faces and crying. My heart is breaking because there is nothing I can do for some of them... All I can do is pray for one (well, two) and treasure the potentially few remaining days with the other. Why is everything around me falling apart? I mean, sure, I'm alone, and I often wonder if I'll ever find someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life, I have a few health issues, blah blah blah... but that is nothing compared to what I see happening to my friends and family. As retarded as it sounds, I'd really rather have it happen to me and let them be happy - I can't stand this position I find myself in, sitting on the sidelines, watching helplessly. I love them! Why can't I make this pain stop for them, even just a little?? I'm just glad I'm home so I can be alone to cry. And pray. I pray daily for one in particular who won't hear me but I hope will hear God. You probably don't know who you are, but I'm thinking of you and praying for you always, and I love you so much.
Just so my lovelies don't think I've forgotten them in my sadness, thanks for all the comments, calls, and stuff I got on Christmas! You guys will probably never know how much I love you, but I do, so very much. I can't wait to see you all again!
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